questionable realities

My dreams have been incredibly vivid lately. Not lucid, by any means, but there are points of consciousness in many of them - when I can feel the wind around my face as I jump from air, I feel the softness of the feathers on a woman's white coat, or the heat from a meteor (meteoroid? meteorite?) looming over head. Each time, aspects of the dream are so real, that I'm absolutely sure that I'm actually experiencing it. In these dreams, I even remember asking myself if I'm dreaming. I've never had dreams like this, but I'm not having them nearly every night.

I wake up, questioning reality.

I had another crazy dream! I woke up, terrified and calling out for Adam who was gaming in the living room.

The dream itself was very long, and as hard as I tried to remember it all, I've since forgotten most of it (i need to start writing these down right away!) But I was sitting on the floor while my mom and a friend from high school were sitting on the couch behind me. my mom got a text message and I read it. She must have been on some Obama automatic text thing, because it was a mass-text from Obama warning everyone about the meteor that was about to hit the earth. In a panic, I showed my mom. We turned on the television and their were reports about the meteor coming closer to the earth, details of how the giant rock would briefly get caught in earth's orbit before crashing down onto the planet. 

Looking out the window, we could see it nearing. The last thing I remember was staring up at the sky, watching it get closer. Just before i woke up, the only thing I could see was this giant, flaming rock (looking similar to the sun) directly above me. I just waited for impact.

And then when I was certain this was the end and a new journey was about to begin, I woke up.

bi boon & manidoo giizis

Winter is officially here, although the big mountains of snow lining parking lots and streets tell me that it's been here for a while. Remembering what Bob Shimek of White Earth Land Recovery Project told us a few months ago, I'm trying to be thankful and appreciative of the weather - no matter how much it inconveniences me in the things I don't want to do anyways. He told the story of Kabibona'kan, the winter maker. He cautioned against feeling disdain for the cold, the snow, and the wind in the winter, likening our attitude towards the way a small child may be treated and made fun of at school - often these children develop feels of embarrassment, discontent, and even hate after years of being treated that way. Kabibona'kan is no different. Instead, we should recognize winter's art - the beauty of swirling and freezing snow, the glistening of snowflakes as they fall. After all, it's not easy to muster such strength all season.

There has been much snow and I have not been enjoying and appreciating it as much as I should have; in fact, I have not been enjoying and appreciating anything like I should be. I'm working towards changing that. I still feel as though I'm at a roadblock. I waste too much time doing nothing, but what do I really want to be doing? How should I be spending my days? This cold and darkness comes every year; I must stop using it as an excuse to hide away inside.

The sun was shining today. Encouraged by it's brilliance, I went for a walk, watching the chickadees, house sparrows, and cardinals fly and call in the park. Looking up, what really caught my eye were the whirly-copters from the maple trees. Near translucent against the blue sky. Big boots on, I climbed in the snow to take some pictures.

winter self-portrait

hecua es class portrait 2010

A mind full of questions, and a teacher in my soul. And so it goes...

HECUA Final Presentation

A large part of that head-spinning feeling may likely come from our final class presentation next week.

On that note - You're Invited! 

concentration

I can't seem to concentrate - on anything, for any length of time. It's as though I'm watching each individual synapse burst forth in my brain. My head feels to heavy, making me too tired to do anything of real value. I feel so overwhelmed, but unsatisfied; as though I'm on the edge of something great that I just can't hold on to. 

Needing time to decompress on my own, I rarely get more than a few minutes, especially now that Adam's out of a job and home all the time. I'd rather be outside, anyways. The thermometer is barely reading the double digits right now though and I'm unwilling to lose an extremity for peace of mind.

I crave silence, real silence. It seems every brief moment is soon interrupted by a passing car or a cough from across the room. 

Lost Springs, Wyoming doesn't sound too bad right now.